High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
You Might Also Like
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?