High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
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Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Duck typos.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.