I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
You Might Also Like
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”