I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
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Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.