High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
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IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
water it, i dare you
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*