[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
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*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”