[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
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When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
*frowns in Scottish*
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.