@RomyMichele: #HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
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@jergarl: Ambien: Where is your unicorn? Me: I don't have a unicorn. A: You better get naked and go into that Arby's and look for it anyway. M: Ok.
@crylosec: [train station] Man: hey you. Woman: Hi. M: i'm Christian. W: That's a pickup line? *rolls eyes, walks away M: ugh. i hate my name.
@OneFunnyMummy: The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.