#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
You Might Also Like
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.