@RomyMichele: #HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
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@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor* Me: What are you doing?! 3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
@shkeeber: If a genie grants you 3 wishes, use the first one to make the genie develop short term memory loss, and then keep making 2nd wishes forever.
@yerpalmildsauce: How did you get those horrible burns? *flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster* I saved a litter of puppies from a fire.