Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
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Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Meanwhile in Portland…
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count