Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
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still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly