Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
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when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Mornin
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
life finds a way
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.