him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
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Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.