Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
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People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.