Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
You Might Also Like
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.