Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
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What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.