Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
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[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc