We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
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*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
oh no, steve’s working tonight
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
“i am a sweet baby”
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴