I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
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Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage