Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
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Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete