Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
You Might Also Like
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
hey, alexa
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”