Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
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[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine鈥檚 Day to decide who has to be on top.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
My dad鈥檚 advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
boat question
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I鈥檓 seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don鈥檛 wanna know about
the first two drinks don鈥檛 count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 馃拃
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don鈥檛 end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Even death won鈥檛 stop my mom from criticizing me
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM