Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
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Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide