Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
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Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
checking out some reviews of my local library
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints