Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
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The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening