Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
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*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
meanwhile over on facebook
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.