Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
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so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Breaking news:
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably