Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
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*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.