Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”