Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
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Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
not for long
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
So sick of all these stupid rules
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison