Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
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nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Me too
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit