Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
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Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
buys donuts instead
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.