[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
You Might Also Like
bury ourselves
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
This tweet has been deleted
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
*serious situation*
My brain:
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
oh my gosh!!
Mistakes were made