Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
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Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
uncle dave has been through hell
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?