Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
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My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.