Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
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Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
How your email finds me
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.