Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
You Might Also Like
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
When you’ve simply given up.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”