Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
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You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*