Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
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Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Lmbo
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf