Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
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The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha