Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
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“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.