HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
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[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Happy Star Wars day!
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
#TopTip
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did