Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
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Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Me irl
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than