Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
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My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image