Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
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Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend