Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
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Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼