Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
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My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Can’t, holding a grudge
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
What if all the cashiers are married?
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
me adding lol on a serious message