Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
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*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.
Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.
Marriage.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?