Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
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The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Before crowbars crows drank alone
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo