“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
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At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
gm
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo