Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
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Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I bet birds love this building.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer