him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
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Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.